Yom Ba-Bush
Yom Ba-Bush…Is it that time of year again? Just when you thought the Holiday season was finally almost over (you know, every week in Israel since Pesach we have to have at least one holiday), here comes the best holiday of them all…Yom Ba-Bush. Or at least that is what I have entitled the Bush visits, in which highways dress up as parking lots, schools shut down and bomb sniffing dogs are the most popular pet around.
With Bush’s daughter hitched up, I think it’s time for daddy to take on some new growing pains. The pains I refer to are peace, politicians and Mexican restaurants (oh wait, that’s just my pain). Turns out that like most of the problems in the world, Bush plans to ignore the above mentioned issues and will be here to attend the prestigious President’s Conference, which almost every famous person has cancelled on.
All that said, I have once again obtained a top secret to-do list from the Foreign Ministry (I guess Livni is too busy trying to steal the Prime Minister position to care about little snoopers). Check out the preparation list that the country’s tax dollars will be spent on this time around.
And speaking of wasted money, did anyone notice the spectacular light show for Independence Day last week? I really enjoyed the big flashlight show. It reminded me of my days in camp when we use to shine our flash lights into the dark night-only I am guessing my flashlight did not cost as much as the super big bulbs that our tax money was wasted on. Oh, and lets not forget that these big lights had colors: Blue, white and green. The blue and white was for the Israeli flag and likewise, I assume, the green was for Hamas’ flag! I’m sure those lights will be used again…only this time as search lights for our tax dollars disappearing before our eyes.
Here is an excerpt from the Top Secret (shhhh!!!) Checklist:
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Make sure new hummus flavored ice cream from Cafe Cafe is available and ready in the President’s suite
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Buy Bush a map, since last time he thought Tel Aviv was a part of Jordan
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Dust off the one stretch limo this country owns and make sure to actually put in the bullet proof windows this time
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Invite Abu Mazen for a secret three-way at one of the four houses owned by Prime Minister Olmert that cost less than $1
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Shut down all schools, banks (oh wait, they will probably be closed anyway) and public areas
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Put a cop on every corner and make sure they too have plenty of hummus ice cream
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Suck out some of the salt from the Dead Sea since Bush said it burned down there last time
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Give Bush a private tour of the new Mall, Mamilla-make sure no one is there-oh wait, no one is ever there.
How I Faked It: Breaking Into The Media
I faked it. While the Americans brought their top security guys from America and Israel posted police on every street corner- I managed to sneak into the Press hotel and pretend to be one of them. It amazes me just how lax security was- so much so that I even had a taste of the White House Press-ONLY Buffet.
Besides being an awesome experience, sneaking in made me realize why the Press don’t report the truth. Indeed they are much too busy making friends and networking in the hotel lobby. Add to that complimentary food and drink and you’ve got a group of people that are never going to do their job well.
How did I do it- you ask? How could I have made it past security and not get caught once? It was simple- I faked it. My backup plan was saying I needed to go the bathroom but I never even needed to talk to anyone. Continue reading this entry »
The Schedule for President Bush’s Visit to the Homeland
The Big Felafel has managed to obtain President Bush’s tentative schedule for his visit this coming week to Israel. While his plans may change make sure to check into The Big Felafel for all the latest news on Bushy Bush’s visit in the Homeland.
Remember that although Bush has been preaching the Road Map during his very long Presidential term, this is his first visit to Israel. Apparently he thought that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict was an interactive television show where viewers try to help the contestants- Olmert and Abu Mazen- get out of “trouble. After Conda-poo-poo’s last visit she informed Bush that she was indeed in a real foreign land that does exist. She insisted that he visit to see the real “trouble” occurring in the region. Apparently Bush was shocked to here that this was not just another ABC series like “Lost” and immediately told Conda-poo-poo to plan his trip to the foreign land so that he may meet the real contestants- he meant people.
The tentative schedule:
Wednesday:
8:00am: Arrives and is welcomed by Soldiers and the Palestinian Authority Police Officers. Two of the officers are the terrorists from last weeks shooting in Hebron. He will award them the gold medal of honor in a ceremony that Prime Minister Olmert has set up to show some more “Good Faith.” Abu Mazen is upset that he isn’t getting anything since he helped plan it and freed them.
9:00am: Off to Gaza where he will dig his own tunnel, retrieve weapons through the Egyptian border, set up Kassam launchers with fellow terrorists and even have a chance to fire one or two from the former homes of Gush Katif residents.
11:00am: To the other side, Bush will end up in Sderot where he will meet with Kassam rocket victims, families affected by the rockets and the Mayor who hasn’t slept in months. He has been invited to a family’s home that no longer has a roof thanks to rocket fire. Then he will experience an hour of rocket fire throughout the city. They have told Bush he will be playing hide and seek, for Sderot this means after you hear the red alert you have about 15 seconds to find shelter- good luck! Continue reading this entry »
The Big Felafel 