The Eve of Election Day or A Clogged Toliet You decide!
On the eve of Election Day, I am one of many that still don’t have a clue who they should vote for and the choice of crappy or corrupty isn’t much incentive. The next Prime Minister might be a repeat Bibi. While most people feel he will change the current political situation, I believe he only buys us time until he becomes a copy cat Olmert or Sharon. And
speaking of Kadima, if Livni wins, it’s just more of the same with “uni” being the key word in all of her decisions (unilateral ceasefire, unilateral pullout). And then there is Barak, who might have the same name as Obama, but can’t run the same campaign of change and yes we can. As he has shown, no he really can’t and he probably won’t. Finally we have Lieberman who has managed to climb his way to the top despite his ongoing criminal investigation. Then again, criminal investigation seems to be part of the job requirements for Prime Minister nowadays.
Along with the major players there are the other smaller teams to bat for and you can read more about them in my co-blogger and skinny friend, Becca’s post. But friends, here are some people that recently made headlines that I think would make a better job as Prime Minister then any of the current candidates running. If only there was a fill in the blank vote I could vote for one of them or some kind of inanimate object like a toothbrush or coaster.
Enjoy voting tomorrow and may the best man, woman or thing win the honor (laughing) of Israeli Prime Minister and all its glory (more laughing).
Headline Candidates:
Robert Holding: So who is this dude? Well he is a 72-year-old British milk man who was delivering milk and marijuana to his elderly customers. Holding is currently on probation for his dealing-which is great, because now he has time to be the Prime Minister of Israel. Obviously this is a man that thinks health care is a vital issue and would make that his top priority.
“Recessionista“: What exactly is a recessionista and why would she be a good candidate? Well Mandi Norwood, former editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan and Mademoiselle Magazines has decided that during these rough times it’s ridiculous to spend a lot of money on material things, so instead she has jumped on the band wagon with cheap Jews and made it trendy to be stingy.
The word recessionista — originally a person who enjoys dressing fashionably on a budget — has gained rapidly in currency and now embraces the worlds of dining, entertaining and beauty.
It was declared the word of the week on the Macmillan Dictionary Web site last week and is one of the top fashion buzz words of 2009, along with its sibling “chiconomics,” according to the Global Language Monitor. Norwood will clearly focus on fixing the government’s budget, getting good deals on importing and exporting and probably cut taxes. And we all know what tax I would like to see go…the dumbest of all, the TV tax. Finally a candidate that really understands her constituents.
An Elementary School Principal: Now this is no regular principal, this is a principal with a unique set of principles. Remember how your parents threatened that they would clean your mouth out with soap if you said a bad word? Well this principal exercised his powers to make a 6-year-old boy clean out a clogged toilet (apparently the boy clogged the toilet after using paper towels instead of toilet paper to do his business) with his bare hands. That soap is looking pretty good right now. Anyway, the principal is currently being investigated (remember a key part of the PM Job) and is on a leave of absence. I think the principal would be a candidate that focuses more on the security situation, creating new policies to flush out the current situation, unclogging a toilet of bad decision making over the last few years.
Maybe it’s good these folks aren’t running, they really would make the decision so much harder!
Don’t Have a Happy Chanukkah have a Funny Chanukkah!!
Benji and I are at it again. Watch Benji attack the people of Jerusalem to find out what Chanukkah is all about in the Holyland!
Food Torture: Not Another Cafe!
Cafe Hillel, just another cafe.
I’m angry. What a surprise. I’m in the daze of a food nightmare. Living near Emek Refaim Street, you would think a girl could have her way with restaurants: endless options, yummy in your tummy food, and the cultural basics. But apparently the Food Gods don’t like us Jerusalemites.And instead of lots of different restaurants, whipping up all kinds of food-we in Jerusalem must suffer with choice A: falafel or choice B: café food. Crap and crap.
The sign reads: Coming soon Cafe Hillel. I wish the man in the picture would just keep walking. He even looks like he is stealing our taste buds! Shady!
In a previous anger post, I wrote about my desire for a Mexican restaurant in Jerusalem. Needless to say, my prayers and rants have gone unanswered. But friends, it just gets worse. Since my cries for Mexican food, two pizza places have opened in my neighborhood. And then…then this happened (focus your eyes on the picture). My cheap wrap place that almost felt like Mexican food if you closed your eyes tight enough and just held on to the wrap like it was a burrito, Tarantino’s, suddenly without warning closed down and a café Hillel is now opening in its place. Oh, the food inhumanity! Oh, the food torture! And obviously the worst part about it: THERE IS A CAFÉ HILLEL TWO BLOCKS DOWN!
Is this for real? Isn’t it bad enough that Emek Refaim is lined with cafes? It’s just the same menu, with different names for the salads, soups and sandwiches. Not to mention the difference in price from Café Aroma to Caffit for practically the same meal.
Now I know Nir Barkat just became mayor, but wasn’t he all about adding some culture to this city? I’m not saying that adding Mexican should be the first item on his agenda…no, I am. I think Mayor Barkat should shut down the building of this new café Hillel, which is clearly an abuse of our taste buds and a monotonous slap in the face. And instead, let us join together and build a burrito stand and unite for the sake of Jerusalem and her culture. Mexican food is just the beginning!
Stop the lame cafes from taking over our streets. They can have their menus but not our shekels!
Is Fighting Worth the Peace?
So this isn’t my usual post, but it isn’t the usual story here in Israel. I wrote this to shed light on the fighting tactics in Hebron, rather than discuss the obvious reasons of the fight…
Stone throwing. Civilian rebellions. Riots. This is the Hebron the world has come to know in the past weeks. However, my words come from a source about the first Intifada, the Palestinian uprising that took place over 20 years ago. Forget why each group is fighting and instead focus on the methods they use. The method of violence. And the method works.
On March 19, 2007, according to the Hebron website, Beit HaShalom (The House of Peace) was purchased by the Jewish community to house hundreds of Hebron and Kiryat Arba residents, yeshiva students, youth and adults. The house was purchased from its previous Arab owner through a Jordanian office. And they have the legal documents to prove it. Continue reading this entry »
World AIDS Day: Be Safe, Wear it, Measure it and Spray it on!
Today is World AIDS day, reminding us that there is still no cure for this epidemic. If you are in Jerusalem and would like to have a free, anonymous HIV test, you can go to the Open House Clinic on Sundays between 5pm and 9pm. The clinic is located on 2 Hasoreg Street at the intersection of Jaffa St. and Queen Shlomtzion.
And remember an easy way to stay safe is using a good old fashion condom. Now apparently if you’re French then you’ll need an XXL according to a European study by the Singen-based Institute of Condom Consultancy. Yes, after over 10,500 men measured their member, it turns out Frenchies need a condom that is about six inches (15.48 cm) long, making them the biggest in the region.
Of course I can’t help but wonder where Israeli men would fall on the scale, but I will say this: anyone is free to measure and figure it out on the Institute’s website. While I admit I’m kind of curious to do my own study, I don’t think my husband would approve. You know you’re a little curious too (oops, I said little, is that a Freudian slip?)! Continue reading this entry »
Thanksgiving in Israel! It can be done!
It’s almost turkey time. I love Thanksgiving. And what’s not to love, dinner at 3pm, turkey that isn’t sliced lunch meat, stuffing right from the turkey’s butt, mashed potatoes dripping with gravy and cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie. Lots of pumpkin pie.
This used to be my reality every November for as long as I can remember. But for the last 3 years I have been living in Israel and those Thanksgiving days have turned into memories of my past. Oh, stop being so dramatic, the truth is you (as in me and all other American immigrants) can still have Thanksgiving in Israel.
I know it isn’t the same as sitting around the table in America, staring down at your food baby (this is a term Shira taught me which refers to the ridiculous amount of food you just ate that now makes you appear five months pregnant) and going around the table saying what we are thankful for (I am always thankful there is a toilet near by)—but friends, we are not alone and Thanksgiving can still be the best holiday ever! The gravy bowl is half full! Continue reading this entry »
Jerusalem Mayoral Debate or Comedy Night
Did you catch the Jerusalem mayoral debate held Saturday night at the Great Synagogue? Well I was there but it really should have been advertised as more of a comedy showcase then a political debate.
The night’s follies began with an under-prepared Great Synagogue staff unable to accommodate over a thousand Anglos that showed up to the event. While everyone was trying to push their way in to the building, I noticed that the security went to lock all the doors…that seemed safe…
Then after they opened one door they refused to let the press in. That’s right, they refused the reporter from The Economist, BBC, and even the photographer from The Jerusalem Post (who hosted the event).
Of course the staff and security claimed they were over capacity and couldn’t let anyone else in. Did I mention that Nir Barkat and his entourage hadn’t arrived yet. Were they not going to let him in to his own debate? And, with peop le already sitting on the staircases and standing in open places, the synagogue was clearly already breaking the law, so their point was baseless.
Ok, so the mob scene was the first act in the comedy showcase but the best was yet to come. Continue reading this entry »
The Game is On: The U.S. Presidential Election…What’s Your Vote?
With the U.S. Presidential Election just a few weeks away, do ex-pats in Israel, Israelis and foreigners know which candidate will be better for Israel? For me the best candidate would be the one that said, “Israel we’re just going to stay out of this. No more three-ways, scrappy peace documents, or lame promises–if you vote me for President, I’ll stay the hell out of it and focus on my own country.”
But since that probably is not going to happen, just like a kosher Mexican restaurant popping up in Jerusalem’s city center or a real gym built on EmeK Refaim ain’t gonna happen, my group of kids went to the heart of Jerusalem to find out what other people, besides bitter me have to say.
Check out what these folks had to say about the better candidate for Israel: McCain or Obama?
Boo to Elections. Yay to Reform.
"I will grab the boob by its nipple"
I guess you want me to say “yay”. Yay that Tzpi Livni is in which means Ehud Olmert is out. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that Olmert-poop-face is out, but let’s face it, Livni ain’t that much better. Am I complaining, probably, but is there truth to what I say, probably.
Livni is not really a step up from Olmert. She is still in the Kadima party (not a fan) and she’s still apart of that dirty three-way between Conda-poo-poo and Abu boo boo. Now, you’re thinking, so fine tell us who is better, and to that I say: no one. Everyone who is hot on the political scene is a liar-liar-pants-on-fire type of politician. What I would like to see is someone new, someone with a clean slate. This person exists except they are not in our face lying about what they can do or promising the unthinkable. I think the country is too apathetic to seek this person out, so instead we are stuck with the same old crowd.
I think the whole system is lame. This election just proves that there is a lack of checks and balances in Israel. Livni was voted in by her buddies and will form a new coalition making deals with the other parties. But where do we factor in? Where are the deals with the people? Why should Livni be my Prime Minister, when I don’t even get to vote for her? The system denies me my voice. If she is now the Kadima party leader, then we should have new elections and let the best man or woman win. Do you feel me?
I know Israelis loves their paper in an envelop style voting but I really want to stir things up and change the whole system. I propose a dance-off between the candidates. Let’s see who has the best moves on the dance floor when it comes to hip-hop, ballet, and traditional Israeli folk dance. Can you imagine the horror? And how about a hummus eating contest? If you are a true Israeli, then prove it with your hummus eating skills. Wipe down your plate and do it right! Finally, to show you are one of us I would like to see the candidates go through the most grueling process of them all- stand in a line at the bank, stand in a line at the bus station, stand in a line at the post office and lets see who crumbles under the pressure first. Because obviously the voting system is a joke, so why not make it something worth watching?
kIDs tALk NEWS: It is time the news is reported by the little people!
It is time to hear the news from kids! Enough of bias reporters and jaded stories…let’s hear what they have to say.
Ok…here you go. Check out what my video chug has been up to, reporting from the streets of Jerusalem. This news package is on cell phones. This is their first story of many to come. Also check out the blooper reel. And we want your feedback. Tell us what you think we should report. We would even be happy to report about your companies, non-profits, special events, interesting people, etc. Just let us know!
The Big Felafel 