The Big Felafel

Conda-poo-poo and the peace flu

I always know when Condoleezza Rice, or as I refer to her- Conda-poo-poo, is in town. While she has a lovely stay at Jerusalem’s most quality hotel, the David Citadel, the rest of us suffer with traffic jams, road blocks and an outbreak of the peace flu.

Conda-poo-poo isn’t afraid to talk about peace but she sure is terrified about traveling in Israel alone. She has her usual American posse as well as the added dozens of security guards, road barriers and the finest secret service agents Israel has to offer.

Conda-poo-poo is once again in Israel for her famous three-way peace talks. Today’s headlines reported the progress of the meetings between Israel and the Palestinians and of course didn’t mention the annoying traffic jams that I think are just as important to this peace process. People like me, who have to sit in these gridlocks and listen to the jolly good news of a possible Palestinian state, might get a little crazy. What’s a little crazy- oh, I don’t know, it starts with uncontrollable cursing in your car and ends with day dreams of Conda-poo-poo, Olmert and Abu Mazen frolicking in the wilderness of Afghanistan. That’s putting it lightly since I know ‘big brother’, Mr. Patriots Act, is now watching.

I mentioned before that there is an outbreak of the peace flu. While the peace flu has spread around the world, the specific strand prone to Israel is by far the most contagious and annoying. Political leaders carry the virus and as they travel throughout the country, having meetings, press conferences and whatever else it is that those crazy kids are up to; they end up giving it to the press and media outlets alike.

I can’t say I have caught the flu. I make sure to hold my breath when Conda-poo-poo and the others speak. Maybe I am holding it for good luck, but probably not. No, I am pretty sure that I have lost all faith in a true peace. It’s not that I don’t hope for peace- the idea is thrilling and overwhelming- it’s just that I actually live in Israel so I know that the idea only works in that form- an idea.

But, Conda-poo-poo, she rides her private jet over, stays in her classy hotel, eats well and shares fairy tales of two lands living side by side, like a perfect hallah- intertwined and delicious. But the hallah is stale just like the plans. And the peace flu is becoming an epidemic. The politicians are not treating their symptoms properly and continue to engage in dangerous behavior.

Today, apparently we are ready for a Palestinian state- or at least according to the flu delirious Conda-poo-poo. The Palestinians are still firing rockets, our soldiers are still kidnapped, Hamas has the upper hand, and Israel still doesn’t really exist according to their doctrine, but she feels we are ready for that next step.

Yes, a Palestinian state is evidently the next step in the chutes and ladders of our peace process. Indeed it seems like the best move to make, after all a Noble Peace Prize is honorable- whether or not there is an actual peace is not what is important here.

Could that be- could the political leaders, sick with the peace flu, actually only care about their own fantasies? Well, according to me, yep. So as the flu spreads and the press preaches headlines of a nearing peace, we, the citizens of Israel, seem to be the only ones dropping dead. No cure ahead.