Category Archive
The following is a list of all entries from the If I ran Israel category.
The Next Holiday: Sex and the City Premiere May 29 Mark Your Calendars for this Holy of Holy Days
With all the Jewish holidays that seem to appear on a weekly basis, I can’t help but wonder…do people know about the Sex and the City movie opening next week in Israel. It’s true… Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda will invade Israel next Thursday, May 29, 2008. While, I have had the date circled for the past six months, I’m not sure that the citizens of Israel are aware of this significant event about to take place.
Truth be told I originally wanted to plan my trip to America around the premiere in New York, but after realizing that was one expensive movie ticket, I opted for Tel Aviv-a close second to New York (yeah right).
Ok, so I will have to watch the movie with subtitles and intermission, but it is coming out here before America, so take that! We will get to see Carrie in all her fashion glory, Samantha in full glory, Charlotte and her Chinese daughter and Miranda hopefully still with Steve (check out preview below to see why I say that).
The movie is set to take place in the present which means the ladies are four years older and in their forties. In fact after reading a few gossip magazines via the internet, I have learned that the filmmakers used a special lens on the camera to hide the ladies’ wrinkles. Nevertheless, from the pictures I have seen, the women are still bringing it. And they will be bringing it for the next several years, since it looks like this movie is the first part of a trilogy. That’s right, we will literally be watching Sex and the City until it is Sex and the Retirement Home. Samantha will have the hottest adult diapers in town (can they make diaper thongs)!
Until then, check out the full length preview below. And also make note, the movie is coming out in about a week-but I wouldn’t wait until Thursday to purchase your tickets. The movie will premiere in Rav Chen theaters. To find out more check out Seret.co.il theater listings.
Yom Ba-Bush
Yom Ba-Bush…Is it that time of year again? Just when you thought the Holiday season was finally almost over (you know, every week in Israel since Pesach we have to have at least one holiday), here comes the best holiday of them all…Yom Ba-Bush. Or at least that is what I have entitled the Bush visits, in which highways dress up as parking lots, schools shut down and bomb sniffing dogs are the most popular pet around.
With Bush’s daughter hitched up, I think it’s time for daddy to take on some new growing pains. The pains I refer to are peace, politicians and Mexican restaurants (oh wait, that’s just my pain). Turns out that like most of the problems in the world, Bush plans to ignore the above mentioned issues and will be here to attend the prestigious President’s Conference, which almost every famous person has cancelled on.
All that said, I have once again obtained a top secret to-do list from the Foreign Ministry (I guess Livni is too busy trying to steal the Prime Minister position to care about little snoopers). Check out the preparation list that the country’s tax dollars will be spent on this time around.
And speaking of wasted money, did anyone notice the spectacular light show for Independence Day last week? I really enjoyed the big flashlight show. It reminded me of my days in camp when we use to shine our flash lights into the dark night-only I am guessing my flashlight did not cost as much as the super big bulbs that our tax money was wasted on. Oh, and lets not forget that these big lights had colors: Blue, white and green. The blue and white was for the Israeli flag and likewise, I assume, the green was for Hamas’ flag! I’m sure those lights will be used again…only this time as search lights for our tax dollars disappearing before our eyes.
Here is an excerpt from the Top Secret (shhhh!!!) Checklist:
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Make sure new hummus flavored ice cream from Cafe Cafe is available and ready in the President’s suite
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Buy Bush a map, since last time he thought Tel Aviv was a part of Jordan
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Dust off the one stretch limo this country owns and make sure to actually put in the bullet proof windows this time
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Invite Abu Mazen for a secret three-way at one of the four houses owned by Prime Minister Olmert that cost less than $1
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Shut down all schools, banks (oh wait, they will probably be closed anyway) and public areas
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Put a cop on every corner and make sure they too have plenty of hummus ice cream
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Suck out some of the salt from the Dead Sea since Bush said it burned down there last time
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Give Bush a private tour of the new Mall, Mamilla-make sure no one is there-oh wait, no one is ever there.
Don’t Listen to Beilin’s Broken Record
This is an Opinion Piece in response to Beilin’s Ynet Article, Don’t repeat mistake of 2000, on March 8, 2008.
Mr.Beilin it is hard to take you seriously when your advice seems to end with a punch line rather than a message. It is you, and your past that has brought the Israeli people to the current situation, and not, as you claimed, “The IDF’s harsh response to Palestinian violence in 2000.”
In your article, you had the audacity to ask that we do not “repeat mistakes” again. Your request is a joke because it is the mistakes we made during Oslo that we are now repeating. During the Oslo Accords our country was made to believe that shootings were not “real terrorist attacks.” Shootings became like roadblocks; somehow it was believed that we needed them in order to obtain peace. According to the Israel Ministry of Foreign Affairs, from the signing of the Declaration of Principles between Israel and the PLO (the Oslo Accords) on September 13, 1993, until September 2000, 256 civilians and soldiers were killed in terrorist attacks in Israel.
The quiet that you spoke of in 2007, was nothing more than a waiting period until the next uprising, war, or whatever term fits the crime. It was not as though in 2007, Fatah, Hamas and other terrorist groups thought to themselves, “You know the Jews aren’t that bad. This living side-by-side thing seems like a great idea. Let’s give peace a chance.” In fact, it is embracing the quiet of 2007, rather than interpreting its silence that has brought the days of relentless rocket fire to the South, and the Yeshiva shooting to Jerusalem (not to mention the other terrorist attacks that have happened in the past few years). Continue reading this entry »
Where’s the Mexican food?
About a month ago, Rebecca (my co-blogger and skinny friend), exposed the sushi take-over in Jerusalem. Like a lot of people, she was happy to see Jerusalem swimming in seaweed. But me-I am still waiting for the Mexicans to cross the border.
Did you know that there are no Mexican restaurants in Jerusalem? Some may want to argue that the restaurant Poyo Loco in Talpiot is Mexican, but they would be wrong. First of all, I don’t think a Mexican restaurant menu should offer salsa, spaghetti and hummus. And it doesn’t matter now anyways because the restaurant closed down.
And don’t even go there with, “La Boca is Mexican,” because what you want to say is, “La Boca is a strange and expensive restaurant. They claim to serve Spanish food, yet all I could find in my tiny portion was an Israeli salad wrapped in a tortilla.” So don’t go there.
Here’s the deal. I am originally from Los Angeles, so baby food came in a taco. Continue reading this entry »
On the Border of Peace
I can’t believe it but we are finally on the road to peace. It seems that the disgruntled Palestinians in Gaza have decided to help out the peace process by crossing over the border to Egypt.What does this tell me? The Palestinians are looking for an answer to the current situation. While Bush, Olmert and Abbas try to figure out the refugee problem, the Palestinians are showing us how to solve it. The Palestinians looked for help from their Arab brothers in Egypt and found refuge. The Egyptians said they will keep the border open as long as the “humanitarian crisis” continues in Gaza.
I think the other Arab countries need to take Egypt’s example and open their doors as well. Let’s fix this mess once and for all. The Palestinians live in squalor with or without electricity and gas. They do not need aid from the Arab world; they need the Arab world to welcome them into their countries.
And so it is that this whole disaster is truly a blessing in disguise for the peace process. Israel has forced the Arab world to take action. We are steps away from a “real peace”. Once the Palestinians can move out of Gaza it will obviously stop the rocket fire and destroy Hamas’ Power- since there would be no one to govern.
The UN, EU and USA can throw a little money at the situation to help the Palestinians get started in their new lives and everyone can live in quiet. Isn’t that the ideal?
Hi, is Zionism there?
Update: This post got picked up by Arutz Sheva
Where has the Zionism gone? I guess when rockets explode they bring with them a big bang to our idealism. Forget Gaydamak’s efforts to ship kids from Sderot to Jerusalem, now there is a new organization, Save Israel’s Children, transporting kids all the way to America.
While I commend the Americans who have opened their homes to the victims of Sderot I can’t help but ask the question, why? Why is this the solution? My fear is this attitude to solving problems will soon leave us without a state. If the rockets fire begins to hit Tel Aviv and Jerusalem will we move everyone to a safer location like America or Europe?
In fact isn’t this playing exactly into the terrorists’ hands? Continue reading this entry »
Bloggers Beware- The Government Doesn’t Like Your Negativity
If reading the news gives you stomach indigestion- then welcome to my world. Reading headlines that are blatantly anti-Israel is one thing, but I haven’t even seen articles on the other side, and that has made me nauseous. Where have all the protesters gone? Where are the investigative journalists with their breaking news stories about corrupt politicians and dirty government games? Does anyone out there have an opinion and want to voice it?
I think I found an answer to my questions in The Jerusalem Post’s columnist Caroline Glick’s latest editorial, Our World: How Olmert defies gravity. Not only does she explain the government’s leash on the media but she goes into detail about the left wing media’s grip on the press. Just to get an understanding of what we are dealing with here, read below (make sure to have a barf bag near by): Continue reading this entry »
Sderot to Egypt: Sue You! That’s Our Rocket and it Comes With A Bang!
When I was growing up in LA we lived life a little differently then the rest of the world. For example, if someone made fun of me and I gave them a taste of their own medicine, the final outcome would be, “so sue me.” We learned early on that suing someone was the best form of attack and could really do the most damage.Now that I live in Israel it seems that Israelis have finally learned the art form of suing. The critical goal of suing someone is to “stick it to them.” When you sue someone you are sending a message to the other side that you are done being Mr. Nice-guy and want to fight dirty- even dirtier than guerilla warfare, you want to fight and bring your lawyers. Continue reading this entry »
Into Minus to Add A Bush
Israel is not a land of wealth. We don’t have oil like the other Middle Eastern countries surrounding us and we aren’t a world economic power. Let’s face it – we can’t even pay our educators what they deserve or even half of that. But when President Bush comes to town…our country goes to town!Mr. Bush’s one and let’s hope only visit, will cost the citizens of Israel $25,000 an hour. He has taken over the King David Hotel, closed down the country’s main highways and brought his closest friends and their dog walkers with him. Not to mention the swarming media who trail behind his every move (Check out my other post- How I Faked It: Breaking into the Media).
And what will the Israelis citizens get in return for being put out and robbed? A friend- or at least that is how Olmert sees it. During last night’s press conference, Olmert couldn’t help himself when it came to gushing over his favorite buddy. It seemed like after every answer Olmert would thank Bush for being here, helping us and staying a true partner in the Peace Process. Continue reading this entry »
The Schedule for President Bush’s Visit to the Homeland
The Big Felafel has managed to obtain President Bush’s tentative schedule for his visit this coming week to Israel. While his plans may change make sure to check into The Big Felafel for all the latest news on Bushy Bush’s visit in the Homeland.
Remember that although Bush has been preaching the Road Map during his very long Presidential term, this is his first visit to Israel. Apparently he thought that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict was an interactive television show where viewers try to help the contestants- Olmert and Abu Mazen- get out of “trouble. After Conda-poo-poo’s last visit she informed Bush that she was indeed in a real foreign land that does exist. She insisted that he visit to see the real “trouble” occurring in the region. Apparently Bush was shocked to here that this was not just another ABC series like “Lost” and immediately told Conda-poo-poo to plan his trip to the foreign land so that he may meet the real contestants- he meant people.
The tentative schedule:
Wednesday:
8:00am: Arrives and is welcomed by Soldiers and the Palestinian Authority Police Officers. Two of the officers are the terrorists from last weeks shooting in Hebron. He will award them the gold medal of honor in a ceremony that Prime Minister Olmert has set up to show some more “Good Faith.” Abu Mazen is upset that he isn’t getting anything since he helped plan it and freed them.
9:00am: Off to Gaza where he will dig his own tunnel, retrieve weapons through the Egyptian border, set up Kassam launchers with fellow terrorists and even have a chance to fire one or two from the former homes of Gush Katif residents.
11:00am: To the other side, Bush will end up in Sderot where he will meet with Kassam rocket victims, families affected by the rockets and the Mayor who hasn’t slept in months. He has been invited to a family’s home that no longer has a roof thanks to rocket fire. Then he will experience an hour of rocket fire throughout the city. They have told Bush he will be playing hide and seek, for Sderot this means after you hear the red alert you have about 15 seconds to find shelter- good luck! Continue reading this entry »
The Big Felafel 