The Big Felafel

Into Minus to Add A Bush

Israel is not a land of wealth. We don’t have oil like the other Middle Eastern countries surrounding us and we aren’t a world economic power. Let’s face it – we can’t even pay our educators what they deserve or even half of that. But when President Bush comes to town…our country goes to town!Mr. Bush’s one and let’s hope only visit, will cost the citizens of Israel $25,000 an hour. He has taken over the King David Hotel, closed down the country’s main highways and brought his closest friends and their dog walkers with him. Not to mention the swarming media who trail behind his every move (Check out my other post- How I Faked It: Breaking into the Media).

And what will the Israelis citizens get in return for being put out and robbed? A friend- or at least that is how Olmert sees it. During last night’s press conference, Olmert couldn’t help himself when it came to gushing over his favorite buddy. It seemed like after every answer Olmert would thank Bush for being here, helping us and staying a true partner in the Peace Process.

One particularly painful moment was when Olmert told the crowd in Hebrew:

Let me say something in Hebrew — since I know that the President does not speak Hebrew, I’ll say it in Hebrew, because, after all, you know, you’re not supposed to praise people in their presence, so I’ll say it in Hebrew. Well, then, what I’d like to say is, thank God I can conduct political negotiations with George Bush at my side as one of my partners. Thank God we can conduct political negotiations when the largest and most important power in the world, and the most important for us, is headed by such an important friend of Israel.

The most ridiculous part about it was that Bush had a translator and understood everything. And if I could translate what Olmert really meant it would go something like this:

Bush I have no friends. I have no hair. All I have is my corruption. I need you to be my buddy so that I- no we- can get our Noble Peace Prize and keep all our hidden blood money from the Public eye. I need a friend in this sandbox and you are the only one that will even let me play with his shovel.

The Press Conference like the whole Peace Process was a joke. Bush could barely put together a sentence when answering questions. He made awkward jokes that only he laughed at and no one was ever sure when he finished a statement. Olmert did the exact opposite- his answers were too long, repetitive and he made jokes that actually got a couple of laughs (maybe the Press was just laughing at his funny looking face, but then again they would do the same for Bush). And during every answer the camera would cut to Conda-poo-poo in the front row. She made sure to keep eye contact and give lots of encouraging smiles to her puppets.

Bush and Olmert are like two peas in a pod- a pod that should never have been opened. These two are meant for each other but not for the Peace Process. Yesterday upon Bush’s arrival he said he hoped to bring “everlasting peace.” How is it that in a three day trip he will bring “everlasting peace” when for over sixty years this country hasn’t even seen one day of peace?