Sderot to Egypt: Sue You! That’s Our Rocket and it Comes With A Bang!
When I was growing up in LA we lived life a little differently then the rest of the world. For example, if someone made fun of me and I gave them a taste of their own medicine, the final outcome would be, “so sue me.” We learned early on that suing someone was the best form of attack and could really do the most damage.Now that I live in Israel it seems that Israelis have finally learned the art form of suing. The critical goal of suing someone is to “stick it to them.” When you sue someone you are sending a message to the other side that you are done being Mr. Nice-guy and want to fight dirty- even dirtier than guerilla warfare, you want to fight and bring your lawyers. Continue reading this entry »
Into Minus to Add A Bush
Israel is not a land of wealth. We don’t have oil like the other Middle Eastern countries surrounding us and we aren’t a world economic power. Let’s face it – we can’t even pay our educators what they deserve or even half of that. But when President Bush comes to town…our country goes to town!Mr. Bush’s one and let’s hope only visit, will cost the citizens of Israel $25,000 an hour. He has taken over the King David Hotel, closed down the country’s main highways and brought his closest friends and their dog walkers with him. Not to mention the swarming media who trail behind his every move (Check out my other post- How I Faked It: Breaking into the Media).
And what will the Israelis citizens get in return for being put out and robbed? A friend- or at least that is how Olmert sees it. During last night’s press conference, Olmert couldn’t help himself when it came to gushing over his favorite buddy. It seemed like after every answer Olmert would thank Bush for being here, helping us and staying a true partner in the Peace Process. Continue reading this entry »
How I Faked It: Breaking Into The Media
I faked it. While the Americans brought their top security guys from America and Israel posted police on every street corner- I managed to sneak into the Press hotel and pretend to be one of them. It amazes me just how lax security was- so much so that I even had a taste of the White House Press-ONLY Buffet.
Besides being an awesome experience, sneaking in made me realize why the Press don’t report the truth. Indeed they are much too busy making friends and networking in the hotel lobby. Add to that complimentary food and drink and you’ve got a group of people that are never going to do their job well.
How did I do it- you ask? How could I have made it past security and not get caught once? It was simple- I faked it. My backup plan was saying I needed to go the bathroom but I never even needed to talk to anyone. Continue reading this entry »
The Schedule for President Bush’s Visit to the Homeland
The Big Felafel has managed to obtain President Bush’s tentative schedule for his visit this coming week to Israel. While his plans may change make sure to check into The Big Felafel for all the latest news on Bushy Bush’s visit in the Homeland.
Remember that although Bush has been preaching the Road Map during his very long Presidential term, this is his first visit to Israel. Apparently he thought that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict was an interactive television show where viewers try to help the contestants- Olmert and Abu Mazen- get out of “trouble. After Conda-poo-poo’s last visit she informed Bush that she was indeed in a real foreign land that does exist. She insisted that he visit to see the real “trouble” occurring in the region. Apparently Bush was shocked to here that this was not just another ABC series like “Lost” and immediately told Conda-poo-poo to plan his trip to the foreign land so that he may meet the real contestants- he meant people.
The tentative schedule:
Wednesday:
8:00am: Arrives and is welcomed by Soldiers and the Palestinian Authority Police Officers. Two of the officers are the terrorists from last weeks shooting in Hebron. He will award them the gold medal of honor in a ceremony that Prime Minister Olmert has set up to show some more “Good Faith.” Abu Mazen is upset that he isn’t getting anything since he helped plan it and freed them.
9:00am: Off to Gaza where he will dig his own tunnel, retrieve weapons through the Egyptian border, set up Kassam launchers with fellow terrorists and even have a chance to fire one or two from the former homes of Gush Katif residents.
11:00am: To the other side, Bush will end up in Sderot where he will meet with Kassam rocket victims, families affected by the rockets and the Mayor who hasn’t slept in months. He has been invited to a family’s home that no longer has a roof thanks to rocket fire. Then he will experience an hour of rocket fire throughout the city. They have told Bush he will be playing hide and seek, for Sderot this means after you hear the red alert you have about 15 seconds to find shelter- good luck! Continue reading this entry »
Best and Worst of 2007: the big felafel style
| BEST | WORST |
| Olmert getting rid of that nasty nasty comb over | Olmert still in Office |
| Free television online at alluc.org | Television tax that only some people receive even if you don’t own a tv. |
| The Facebook Song | Annapolis |
| The dollar losing value | The dollar losing value |
| Discovering the show Israelim | Discovering they cancelled Israelim but you can still watch it online |
| 50 shekel boots | Raising the prices of milk,flour and the shuk salatim |
| Marzipan’s Ice cafe for NIS 5 stays the same price and stays the whole year- no more waiting for summer! | Getting my first crown through health insurance |
| Finding out about Brooklyn Bakery where they serve real muffins and donuts | Conda-poo-poo coming here almost every two weeks |
| Seinfeld coming to Israel | Teachers Protest and University Professors Protest |
| Getting rid of CNN | Getting rid of CNN and keeping FOX |
| Realizing I can take a Sherut instead of a bus | The lines wherever you go |
| Pomegrantes in the Fall | Having my bicylce stolen |
| Learning that you do your grocery shopping online | the gyms in Jerusalem (I’m from LA- there is no comparing) |
| Pesach Rap video | The continous Jerusalem construction of new homes no one here can afford |
| Hannukah Parody video | Shmita |
We want to hear what you thought was the best and worst too. Feel free to write us and we will think about adding your best or worst!
The 35 shekel haircut
Update: Turns out that Mr. Zikri owes millions on the grey market and therefore has shut down his beauty salons. Real bummer. The only thing I can recommend now is to wait for a good deal to show up on group deal sites like Groupon or the like.
You may not be able to remember the name of the salon (was it shuki zuki? shuki zukri?), and you might not want a student cutting your hair, but at the end of the day, the satisfaction of having a cheap, 35 shekel haircut is what will make you smile.
Shuki Zikri is a haircutting school in downtown Jerusalem that lets its students try out their skills on those that want a cheap haircut. They can cut, color, blowdry, etc for much less than if a ‘real’ hairdresser did it. But who can be bothered with professionals – at Shuki you don’t have to even make an appointment – you just show up. Once they shampoo and massage your head (my favorite part), they take you to a chair, pull out their handy dandy ghetto haircutting kit, and start sectioning off your hair, about 40 times until you beg them to move on to the cutting part. Maybe that’s what they focused on in their classes that day?! And not to worry, if they mess up and you notice it’s a little uneven, their teacher comes over and fixes everything. Continue reading this entry »
Did anybody else notice this wacky bus story?
Although I don’t usually focus on news stories, this one particularly caught my eye. (See full article below or at Jpost)
It appears that a man was neglected by Egged at a Kiryat Ye’arim station. Awww… Next thing you know, that guy is getting 18,000 shekels from Egged! Still feel sorry for him?
Is Israel turning into America? Will people be suing Cafe Hillel over too-hot coffee that accidentally spilled in their lap? I find this story unbelievable for so many reasons. Let’s try to break down why. Continue reading this entry »
Improv Comedy in Jerusalem, for your viewing pleasure
Wonder if the Improv troop actually performed at the Merkaz Hamagshimim on Dec. 5 during Hanukah or whether it was a bogus plug. Well you need not wonder any longer.
For those of you who missed out, they fortunately film their shows for all their die-hard fans and we have asked to have the honor of linking the show clips to our blog!
After fighting about copyright, residuals and if they are even that funny- we have managed to gain access to the clips for our 10 readers.
The clips are divided into games and run about 4 to 6 minutes long. Watch them for a good time and check out live Improv at a Jerusalem near you! Continue reading this entry »
Manicures and Pedicures in Jerusalem, secrets revealed
Don’t be upset, boys. I know this blog can get a little girly at times due to the fact that we are, in fact, girls. But I’ll tell you this, mention the juicy details in this post to a lady friend, and you will be guaranteed a 10.5 second hug, perhaps even a high five. So, it’s up to you to continue reading.
I decided it was time to grow up and stop taking out boredom or nervousness on my poor fingers. So, I set out on treating myself to a manicure and did what any good Jerusalem Anglo would do, check Janglo before venturing out of my home. I called a few places but found the prices to be at least 60 shekels. Alas, I found an ad posted from Ester, who would come to my house and give me a manicure for 50 shekels. I thought this service was reserved for the wealthy with butlers, a summer home in the Hamptons, and a 3 car garage.
So, in this strange land of Israel, you can enjoy in-home manicures or a stick of deodorant for roughly the same price. So make your choice wisely. You could be stinky or have some nice lookin’ nails. I went for the nails. Ester’s number is 0544 99 5067.
In other extremity news, my graphic design teacher showed us how to shorten toes in Photoshop but he kept referring to them as fingers. Not the Hebrew word for fingers, the English word itself. Should I have said something? Probably. Did I? No. This way, every time I mess up in Hebrew, I can think back to all the Israelis I’ve met who think they jump in puddles, ride their bike, and step in dog poop with their “fingers” and have a good giggle.
Tel Aviv and the Party Factor
It’s true that Tel Aviv is only a 45 minute bus ride away, but lets face it I never go there. But that doesn’t mean I won’t go to Tel Aviv it just means I need a good reason. And the Free Birthright Alumni party was all the incentive this girl needed to get out of Jerusalem for a Saturday night.Yes indeed, Tel Aviv is party central and not just compared to Jerusalem, but a friend recently told me that Tel Aviv has more bars per area then any other city in the world. And while I didn’t check out every bar or club in Tel Aviv I still managed to find where the party was at! Continue reading this entry »
The Big Felafel 